a little more personal

Went to my gp yesterday about a weird red blotch that showed up on my face on Monday. He did some close up looking and said it looks like another skin cancer. I’m to go back next week and he’ll take biopsies if necessary. I’m trying to be ok with this. I really am. I’m trying to tell myself that I’m not my mother, that there is a point in getting yet another one removed, that what I’m getting is so far from malignant melanoma to be in another solar system but at the back of my head I have that nagging- mum died at 54 from secondaries. I look like her, I sound like her, I’m pretty much her clone. Please don’t let me be her in this.

Added to that is the cost of getting it treated if it is the same as the other 2 skin cancers. I’m barely breaking even as it is.

Silver lining, I live in a country where skin cancers are so common you could throw a rock in an almost deserted room and you’d hit someone who’s had a skin cancer, the dr’s are well versed in diagnosing and treating.

but

why do I keep getting these damed things? I use sunscreen, I wear a hat. I spent most of my life in England. Can they please just go away and stop turning up? The treatment hurts.

And whilst I’m dealing with all those thoughts there’s the whole dealing with the kid who’s dealing with bulimia and me dealing with the fact that there’s barely ever anything left that is edible. I can’t eat gluten. She eats all the gf food . I lock away so much food already that my bedroom is starting to resemble a damned supermarket but I can’t lock away the perishable foods. Know what I wanted for lunch? Egg mayonnaise with cress on those ghastly polystyrene cakes. I couldn’t because the mayonnaise has all gone. Large jar gone in 2 weeks. Bugger. I went to get a protein bar after training last night but they’ve all vanished too. Getting annoyed doesn’t help because then she just spirals more.

So much fun in my head right now.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s