behind locked doors

I have spent most of today in that quiet, I really can’t do this anymore, washed out like an old rag, state of nothingness.

Started last night with internet rubbish and just kept on going down the muddy river.

My bedroom door is now locked the majority of the time. I wear the key on a string around my neck much as I wore my house key back when I was a latch key kid at school. My bedroom resembles a slightly smaller scale of a supermarket aisle- all to ensure there is food for the other kids to eat. Last night my youngest had night terrors so went to sleep in my bed so I left the door unlocked but was downstairs. This morning I was getting food out of the boxes and realised some was missing.

On the plus side, she did own up to taking it. On the down side, she took it whilst son was asleep in the bedroom and I’m pretty damn sure she’s taken food whilst I’ve been asleep too. That’s a very unsettling feeling to have.

So now I have to sleep with my door locked. That feels wrong on so many levels. It also means that my attempts to move youngest into their own bedroom permanently has just taken a temporary nose dive. They have aspergers and quite bad anxiety and for them knowing I’m behind a locked door was one step too many. They are now sleeping in my room on a camp bed + mattress in order to give some kind of semblance of being in their own bed.

I do not like the idea of sleeping with my door locked but she’s proven that nothing else works. I’ve tried locked containers- she breaks into them.

I hate to even be thinking this but life will be so much easier once she’s moved out.


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